10 Signs You’re a Space Cadet

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  1. You always catch yourself saying, “What? Can you repeat that again?”

As your friend is telling a story, you start looking at her eyebrows. I mean, really looking at them. You notice how they move when she says the words, “and then.” You begin to drift off into space and wonder what your eyebrows look like and if they jump across your face when you say certain words. Your eyes begin to glaze over and suddenly you are in a zombie-like trance, contemplating why humans even have eyebrows. Are they just for looks or do they actually serve a purpose beyond being aesthetically pleasing? Oh no, your mind just wondered into unchartered territory. You think about that time you googled “Anne Hathaway with no eyebrows.” You kept up most of the conversation by responding, “Uh-huh,” “Yep, I know! “Totally, been there done that,” “You tell him!” You aren’t really listening though, because you are too busy staring into the souls of her eyebrows. You’ve become a pro at keeping up conversations like these. Your friend notices the smirk that has suddenly appeared on your face during her super serious story about why she did not text the guy she was talking to back. She catches you drifting away to a place she does not know and you have to ask her to repeat the last thing that was said.

  1. You lay in bed and just think for hours.

It is hard for you to sleep at night because you are processing. This is a relaxing exercise for your mind. You check the clock on your phone and it reads 4:40 AM. “Shit, I’ve got to wake up in 4 hours,” you mutter to yourself. You fall asleep wondering how many seconds are in four hours.

  1. Your friends ask you on the regular if everything is okay.

You will be hanging out with someone and then they will catch the blank look on your face. You normally do this until you hear your signal to come back down to Earth, which is “Are you okay?” People think you are upset about something, but really you’re just thinking about life in general. I do this for about a solid hour a day. I will just take my hour and normally go sit outside and just think about things.

  1. You can only concentrate on one thing at a time.

You don’t mind spanning several different topics during a conversation, but if the person you are talking to is throwing things left and right at you, you aren’t going to catch all them because you want to actually think about what you are saying. A particular subject might spark your deepest interest and you’d rather the conversation linger on that topic. Spacey people generally like to listen to other people’s ideas about things they often think about. We are good listeners and we like to converse over complex subjects, not just initiate and give into boring small talk.

  1. You give what you feel like are very thoughtful responses, but leave people saying, “WTF??”

And then you open your mouth and give your answer that provides a long historical explanation on why the South lost the Civil War. The person you were talking to had said something about losing a grey jacket, so you naturally start thinking about Confederate soldiers and before you know it, you’ve paralleled the Civil War and the loss of their jacket.

  1. You wonder if your entire life has just been a dream.
    Sometimes you have this weird moment of self-realization. You start freaking yourself out really badly. You exist. You are a real person and you are living your life. All these fuzzy memories are not a dream, but actual lived experiences, or are they? Are you just dreaming? Holy shit.

  2. You read into things way too much.

Remember that weird signal that guy at the restaurant gave you? Was he being way too friendly or way too mean? You think about this throughout your meal and it starts to bother you. You almost want to go up and ask him what was going on. And just forget reading texts. They are basically hieroglyphics that you must take apart and analyze word for word in order to find the true mean. You are essentially Nicolas Cage in a National Treasure movie when it comes to texting.

  1. You have to have “alone days.”

You have your days where you just need to be alone. Days like this are for you and your weirdo thoughts and you find comfort in knowing you won’t be interrupted. You’re torn between being an introvert and an extrovert. You don’t know what the hell you are. You can’t really put a label on it. It depends on your mood. But certain days are just for you.

  1. Time and space, man.

You don’t get it and aren’t going to pretend like you do. But sometimes you like to venture into this territory. This conversation is particularly stimulating and must only be held between two spacey people. I love looking at the stars and wondering what all is out there. I’m fascinated by anything space related. One of my favorite questions to ask people is if they believe in aliens. It’s so interesting to think about stuff like that. Unfortunately God and a poor southern school system caused my ability in math to be absurdly horrible. Otherwise, I would have totally been an astronaut.

  1. Nature is your favorite.

You love to be outside. You love to look around and just admire nature. As weird as that sounds, you could get lost in it. Literally or figuratively. I grew up in the country and I was forced to play outside as a child. The “stay outside until it gets dark” kind of lifestyle. This is something that stayed with me into adulthood. My best friend and I would go exploring all day long. We used to make up stories about old cans and bottles that we found in the woods. We swore up and down that Laura Ingalls Wilder traveled through our neighborhood and parked her covered wagon right down the street. I love to be outside, I love nature, nothing makes me happier or inspires me to get creative (DHMIS reference). And no, I don’t smoke weed (not that I think it is bad to, I just don’t). I’m just weird, spacey, and lost in my thoughts.

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Thoughts on Jaws, 39 Years Later

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Thoughts on Jaws, 39 Years Later

Yes, that’s right, I’ve never seen Jaws. It was on TV late last night and I thought, “Why not stay up until 2 AM and watch this movie about a monster shark?” This will feature spoiler alerts, so if you’ve been living under a rock the past 23 years, like I have, I advise not reading this.

Never trust a man who literally eats, breathes, sleeps, and goes to the beach in a suit.

The mayor in Jaws is clearly untrustworthy. I mean, does this guy ever take his ridiculous suits off? Even Neil Patrick Harris would have to tell the mayor that there are times when a suit is not appropriate. Red flag #1? The suit with tiny anchors all over it, mixed with a tie that doesn’t even relatively match. Outrageous. That should have been a huge warning sign to the police chief that the mayor was more concerned with making money than maintaining the safety of his town. If the mayor is pressuring you to get into the water, while he does not even think about stripping down into anything less than a three-piece suit, you might need to look him dead in the eye and say “You get in first.” The mayor should have been satisfied enough by the fact that people even showed up to the beach after little Timmy got eaten alive in front of a crowd of beach-goers. There were literally 300 people on the beach during the 4th of July scene, but no… this wasn’t good enough for him. He needed everyone to have fun in the shark infested waters. Talk about someone who is hard to please.

Getting drunk on a boat is always a good idea…

Unless there is a giant shark in the water that you are supposed to be saving the whole town from. Are you serious? Who does that? These three guys are responsible for capturing the sea beast, yet they feel it is a great idea to get wasted while doing so. They get drunk, they show battle scars, the captain tells his war story, and they start singing old sailor songs. At this point, I felt like every single one of them deserved to be eaten alive. I wanted the police chief to be eaten alive for nonchalantly lifting his shirt up, revealing a HUGE scar and not saying anything about it. I wanted the captain to be eaten alive because half the time I wasn’t sure if he was speaking English. Finally, I wanted the scientist to be eaten alive because he was just flat-out annoying.

Marry someone who likes to get drunk with you.

The police chief and his wife both share an affinity for getting drunk and I quote, “fooling around.” I really like that they decided to keep this element in their marriage, which is bound to keep things interesting. That’s my kind of couple.

Trauma.

By the end of the movie, I felt like everyone had went absolutely crazy. I hope the police chief and the scientist were paddling straight to the mental institution because they certainly needed to after all that trauma. Neither of them even seemed concerned that their companion was eaten alive in front of them. The captain had just shared a really intimate moment with them, but it’s no big deal, right? Or with the fact that they just obliterated a three ton shark. They just laughed it off like a bunch of good ole boys, ’cause that’s what friends do.

Why did the shark just eat one eye out of that guy’s head?

The shark didn’t seem to show any careful precision in ripping people in half at any other time in the movie. I’m talking about the part where the scientist goes under the boat and the guy pops out and the shark has just eaten one of the dude’s eyes. There’s no way a shark has enough self control to just eat one eye out of a person’s head. I will admit, that scene scared the shit out of me.

The camera work is phenomenal. That’s enough of a reason to watch the movie.

When they are leaving on the boat and going out in the ocean to capture their foe, it is shot through the jaw bone of a shark. It’s just really cool. It makes you think, “Oh, buddy, what are they about to get themselves into? They are literally going into the mouth of a shark…” Spielberg has multiple scenes like this and the camera work is enough to cause the viewer to feel complete anxiety over what is about to happen next.

I’m never going in the ocean again.

Self-explanatory.

10 Makeup Fails


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Doing” Your Eyebrows.

Doing your eyebrows is like a fine art. Getting a little too “eyebrow happy” is one of the biggest makeup mistakes I’ve seen. You have to be careful when you are filling in your eyebrows. One false move and you could be looking like a Cro-Magnon. Then there is the airbrushed eyebrow look that some makeup artists use. I see this all over Instagram, which has led me to ask the question: What in the hell? No one’s real life eyebrows looked airbrushed. This method of constructing eyebrows reminds me of those beach shops in Florida where you go to get airbrushed T-shirts and hats. I just imagine these girls walking into a souvenir shop and requesting for the guy at the counter to airbrush their eyebrows on for them. Point is – just be careful when you are applying makeup to your eyebrows.

  1. Stabbing yourself in the eye with your mascara wand.

This always happens when I am looking in the mirror thinking about how great my makeup looks. Wanting to add one final touch, I accidentally stab myself in the eye with my mascara brush at 175 MPH. A wave of disappointment washes over my body. I haven’t felt this disappointed since I was eight years old on Christmas day (I received the Joey N*SYNC Ken doll, instead of the JT one). My eye starts to water, gushing mascara across my face like an active volcano. I look in the mirror, hoping for the best, only to realize that one half of my face looks like a black water color painting. After saying a few curses, it’s back to the drawing board.

  1. Putting too much bronzer/insane contouring.

If you accidentally apply too much bronzer to your brush, please don’t put it on your face. For the love of God, I am really begging you not to do this. Too much bronzer can have you looking like Tan Mom in .5 seconds. Having a healthy glow is different than looking like you have been dipping yourself in Jergens Natural Glow and letting it soak all the way down into your soul. Also, some people also do not know the rules of contouring. I’ve seen some women that look like they’ve literally drawn lines across their face. Two on their cheekbones and two going down the sides of their nose. It looks more like Native American ceremonial markings. If you are going to contour, at least let a professional teach you how to do it. And by a professional, I mean watch a YouTube video about it.

  1. Spider lashes.

If your eyelashes look like spiders, it might be time to do some reevaluating in the mirror. It’s almost like that “I didn’t wash my makeup off the night before” look. Unless you are doing a walk of shame, you have no justifiable reason for spider lashes. Adding tons and tons of mascara is not going to make your lashes longer, it is just going to pile up and make you look like a washed up 47 year old.

  1. Lipstick on your teeth.

There are some things that will never change about me. One of them is that I will always have lipstick on my teeth. I could not even be wearing lipstick, but it will somehow find a way to mysteriously appear on my teeth. I don’t have buck teeth, so I really don’t understand what’s going on here. I take all the precautionary measures to dispose of excess lipstick. Regardless of whatever I do to make sure I don’t have lipstick on my teeth, some one will annoyingly point out, “You have lipstick on your teeth!” It’s pretty much just a life fail and I’ve learned to embrace the fact that I look like a disheveled mess 97% percent of the time.

  1. Sneezing after you just put mascara on.

You are all finished with applying your mascara and your eyelashes are looking like Kim K’s. Then you start to feel a slight tingling in your nose and you know the inevitable is about to happen. You sneeze and your still-wet mascara smears all over the bottom of your eyes. You wipe the mascara off, but your eyelashes never look the same. They look bent down and sad. You also look like you’ve been crying, which will cause people to ask you all day long, “Is everything okay?” No, everything is not okay. I sneezed my mascara off into my eyes, but thank you for asking.

  1. When you apply a huge clump of mascara to your eyeball.

“I know what mascara’s made from… You know that tar that they put on roads? That’s actually mascara,” my best friend, Frankie, responded after I asked her what else I should include on this list. She’s right. Mascara in your eye burns more than staring at the sun for seven hours does. Actually, mascara is the root of all evil the more I think about it.

  1. Liquid eyeliner getting into your eye.

Have fun seeing black in one of your eyes for 30 minutes. This is God’s way of telling you to go put a T-shirt on and have an ugly day, because you didn’t make the beauty team this time, so try again tomorrow.

  1. Getting the mascara wand on your nose or the corner of eye.

This is just irritating. It doesn’t really screw up your whole face like some of the other ones, but it definitely warrants seven eye rolls and a loud, “SERIOUSLY!!!!?”

  1. Putting foundation on before your primer.

I always do this screw up when it is really early in the morning and I am super sleepy. At this point it’s six AM and I’m so tired I can’t even remember the shower that I took five minutes ago. I start to apply my foundation, only to realize the horror of what I’ve just done… No primer. In about two hours, my face will have melted and people will mistake me for a Dali painting.

 

10 Profiles of The Guys You’ll Encounter on Tinder and a Short Bio

 

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  1. The Sneaky One.

This guy presents you with five pictures, all of which feature three of the same guys. It is your job to figure out which guy he actually is. Hint: he isn’t the cute one. This is obviously the oldest trick in the book. His insightful bio reads:

19, Random fraternity, Beer, God, ‘Merica.

  1. The Swinger.

The swinger profile is actually very amusing. The first picture will be of a couple, so that automatically makes you think, “What’s going on here?” You scroll down to see:

Married. Wife knows I’m on Tinder. We don’t want any drama, just looking for someone cool to hangout with. Polyamorous. I DO NOT PUT UP WITH DRAMA.

What the description should have said was:

Married. Totally bored. Wife doesn’t know. Please don’t tell her I’m on Tinder. We will probably never meet up, but I just want someone to chat with. Can you please not tell her I’m on Tinder? Seriously… she cannot find out about this.

  1. The Extreme Sports Lover/Traveler.

This guy is going to force you to sky dive or cliff jump. That actually sounds kind of fun, but you have a 50/50 chance of dying with this adrenaline junkie. Seems pretty interesting:

YOLO! 24, I love adventure, jumping out of planes, spent 2 years as a monk in Thailand. Currently in New Guinea, hit me up if you are a local.

  1. The Proud Dad.

Proud dad isn’t quite sure what he is doing on Tinder. More than likely he got married way too young and now he is struggling with his divorce and raising a kid that he is totally unprepared to raise. He is trying to find his child a new mother. Good luck on Tinder. I know this might come as a surprise, but some people don’t use Tinder for finding the love of their life. He lays it all out there:

Just got a divorce. She was a bitch. Blessed with a beautiful baby girl. She’s my life. Looking for a woman who knows how to cook.

  1. The Gym Rat.

This guy is looking to win every Buff Guy contest out there. Every single one of his pictures features a mirror selfie at the gym. He probably has a really ugly face, but an amazing body.

5’7, Workout every day. Beast mode. Fitness is life. Love to eat healthy. Working out is a lifestyle and it is a choice to define your mind, body, and soul. Looking for a girl who lifts. Fitness barbies, to apply – swipe right.

  1. The Sensual One.

This guy is so DTF that he can’t even wear clothes for his pictures. All of his pictures take place in his bathroom mirror. The white towel wrapped around his body, screams the lyrics of “The Whisper Song” by the Ying Yang Twins. He’s like a bad car accident and you have to watch. The look on your face after you read his profile and swipe through his pictures is kinda like – :/. He puts it pretty simply:

;).

  1. Le Hipster.

Le Hipster sports a beard or mustache, glasses, a jean jacket, and a musical instrument. All of their pictures are in sepia. Be careful, they are extremely deep.

Hemingway. Music. Coffee. Stone washed jeans.

  1. The Catfish.

One day I came across a Mr. Storm Ripdog. Storm is literally Tinder gold and everything I’m looking for in a man. I swiped left because I felt like I’d probably fall in love with him and then I’d have to call Nev from Catfish and be like, “Look, I fell in love with this guy named Storm Ripdog and I’ve only seen one picture of him, but I know in my heart Storm is legitimate.” Unrequited love is literally the worst feeling. I’m really sorry Storm, but we can never be. I won’t be able to handle it if I find out you are 700 lbs and not the man I thought I knew. Storm’s heart-stopping profile read word for word:

Storm Ripdog here. Sexy firefighter by day and equally sexy lover of women at night ;).

  1. The Comedian.

This guy has it half right. He knows the key to a woman’s heart is through humor, but his jokes are awful. His stabs at comedy are almost painful and your face is left in a kind of twisted up puzzled look. Trying extremely hard, he writes:

Nerd. Funny guy. I’ll tell you bad jokes until you get become physically ill. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Swipe right to find out. Take a chance. I’m begging you.

  1. The Guy who has a Picture with a Hot Girl.

Desperation doesn’t even begin to describe this person. He is trying so hard to be the cool guy that he can’t properly function anymore. In his pictures, he is stuck between two Hooter’s models or a female that somehow agreed to take a picture with him after he gave her like 20 dollars. The remainder of his pictures feature him doing wheelies on his lime green street bike. His bio is sure to make the panties drop:

Babes, models, crotch-rockets, making money, hu$tler.

Boehner Sues Obama for Giving Him Botched Tanning Cream

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It all started last Christmas,” Speaker John Boehner fired away as he spoke to his fellow Republicans, otherwise known as the only people who seemed to care about his recent lawsuit against the president. “Obama sent me a really nice gift that had some of my favorite beauty products in it. I graciously accepted it, thinking that it was so nice of the president to give me a gift this year, especially one that he knew I’d like. I know that we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye on things, especially on this whole Obamacare issue, but it seemed as if he was finally stepping down from his high-horse as the president of the United States.” Boehner then took a moment to gather himself and began to explain the strange color of his skin. “Tan-Your-Man, one of the products in my goody bag from Obama, has stained my face a permanent shade of tangerine. I spray tan on the regular, but this is something else. I look like a walking commercial for Tang. Obama is a real piece of work.” Boehner then went on a two hour tangent about how the “Founding Fathers would have never let this stand.” He also declared that, “It is under every American’s constitutional rights, which were divinely written by the hands of Thomas Jefferson, that tanning products should not be tampered with in any way by the president of the United States. It exceeds his executive authority and it is cruel and mean.” Boehner vowed that he “will certainly teach Obama a lesson” and that he “plans to take this case all the way to the Supreme Court if [he] has to.” Boehner expressed to a sea of perfectly combed politician hair, “I am a politician, and like all politicians in Washington, I have always abided by every law ever made. I have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.” Boehner, a seemingly inconsolable mess, repeated over and over again, “I am ruined forever… Damn you, Obama… Damn, you. I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I do.” He then cried for thirty minutes, allowing ample time for photo-ops.

9 Things Ugly Ducklings Know To Be True

My latest on TC. Enjoy!

Thought Catalog

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1. Fixing your eyebrows makes a hell of a difference.

I didn’t have horrible acne or embarrassing Harry Potter glasses… No, I had something much worse – bad eyebrows. I can’t even believe that my mother allowed me to walk out of the house with my eyebrows looking the way that they did or that I thought what I was doing to my face was even remotely normal. The shape of my eyebrows configured into small lopsided commas. After about three solid years of shaping and growing, my eyebrows finally started to regain some type of dignity. Bad luck with eyebrows apparently runs in my family. When I was 15, my little brother shaved his eyebrows completely off and my mom had to draw them on every day before he went to school. Eyebrows make the difference, if you don’t believe me, google “Anne Hathaway, no eyebrows.”

2. Wearing…

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