When I was about seven or eight, my dad brought home a beautiful Golden Retriever puppy. I remember he had huge brown eyes and long wavy hair that was the color of autumn. Like most innocent children my age, I loved Dr. Suess, so I decided I would name the puppy something ridiculous: Sam-I-Am. Sam seemed like any adorable Golden Retriever. Loyal, beautiful, American as hell… but Sam also developed a trait that we didn’t know about: psycho-serial killer.
Kittens frolicked around my garage on a regular basis because one of the slutty neighbor cats kept getting knocked up and having her babies there. I spent countless hours trying to catch them and force them to love me. Unfortunately Sam shared mutual feelings, except he did not want to love them. He wanted to eat them.
One day, I was outside playing with Sam, as a kitten made the fateful move of running out of the garage and straight into Sam’s vicious mouth. He began to shake the cat, throwing it up in the air, like you see Killer Whales club seals. Air Bud turned into Kujo in about 1.2 seconds. I was a mess. I just witnessed the death of an innocent animal. Who would he turn on next?
I took off running and screaming into the house and my mom asked me what was wrong and why I was crying. I told her what Sam had done and that I hated him. She looked at me kind of worried and said that he must’ve just got too excited. Too excited!?!? It’s not like he was Lennie from Of Mice and Men. This was intentional. He was practically soaked with blood. All I could think about what the kitten being strewn around by Sam. I vowed to never trust him again. I couldn’t get the poor kitten out of my head.
Like a newly turned Cullen, Sam could not resist the taste or thought of blood. Sam-I-Am had turned into Sam-I-Am-Going-To-Eat-That-Kitten-I-Don’t-Care-What-You-Say. My parents tried to brush off what this monster had done, but I knew what he was. I knew the sins he had committed. I knew that he went to sleep every night without a guilty conscious. They would both learn when Sam showed up as an uninvited guest at my neighbor’s fifth birthday party.
It was a beautiful day outside. The perfect day for an outdoor birthday party. The perfect day for a group of newly born wiener dog puppies and their mom to just hang out and enjoy the sunshine around a small gathering of five-year-olds.
I was friends with Terrence, the birthday boy’s, sister Tiffany, who later fell in love with our 35 year-old-neighbor when she was 13… that’s a different story. Tiffany had a white rat that she used to make me play with, but I didn’t want to because it was disgusting. While she exposed me to a lot of stuff, her baby brother was about to be exposed a reenactment of the Manson murders, featuring Sam and six wiener dogs.
Since their house wasn’t very far from ours, it wasn’t difficult to hear the terrified screams of a group of kindergarteners. Sam busted through that bitch, like the Kool-Aid man on crack. Tiffany later described to me that he went for the puppies first. He ate them, one-by-one, in front of everyone, like a trained assassin. Any innocence that those children were clinging on to was lost that day.
My parents were immediately called and I don’t remember much of what else happened, except that this was a terrible situation and I’m sure that the kid and all of his friends still remember it.
Shortly thereafter, my parents put this ad out in the newspaper:
“Free Full-blooded Golden Retriever. MUST live alone, with no other animals! He needs a lot of land to run around on.”
Although Sam deserved to be taken out back like Old Yeller, we ended up giving him away to some people who lived on a huge farm. That way, he could kill without mercy and we wouldn’t be excommunicated from our neighborhood. Ted Bundy Jr. aka Sam got a pretty happy ending, compared to what those wiener dogs got.
I didn’t find this story very funny, until I told it to my freshman college roommate. She thought it was so funny and she would beg me to tell it to her. I ended up asking my mom if she remembered Sam and she said, “How could I forget? He ate all those puppies.” Yes, yes he did. And a kitten. RIP and never forget.