“Doing” Your Eyebrows.
Doing your eyebrows is like a fine art. Getting a little too “eyebrow happy” is one of the biggest makeup mistakes I’ve seen. You have to be careful when you are filling in your eyebrows. One false move and you could be looking like a Cro-Magnon. Then there is the airbrushed eyebrow look that some makeup artists use. I see this all over Instagram, which has led me to ask the question: What in the hell? No one’s real life eyebrows looked airbrushed. This method of constructing eyebrows reminds me of those beach shops in Florida where you go to get airbrushed T-shirts and hats. I just imagine these girls walking into a souvenir shop and requesting for the guy at the counter to airbrush their eyebrows on for them. Point is – just be careful when you are applying makeup to your eyebrows.
- Stabbing yourself in the eye with your mascara wand.
This always happens when I am looking in the mirror thinking about how great my makeup looks. Wanting to add one final touch, I accidentally stab myself in the eye with my mascara brush at 175 MPH. A wave of disappointment washes over my body. I haven’t felt this disappointed since I was eight years old on Christmas day (I received the Joey N*SYNC Ken doll, instead of the JT one). My eye starts to water, gushing mascara across my face like an active volcano. I look in the mirror, hoping for the best, only to realize that one half of my face looks like a black water color painting. After saying a few curses, it’s back to the drawing board.
- Putting too much bronzer/insane contouring.
If you accidentally apply too much bronzer to your brush, please don’t put it on your face. For the love of God, I am really begging you not to do this. Too much bronzer can have you looking like Tan Mom in .5 seconds. Having a healthy glow is different than looking like you have been dipping yourself in Jergens Natural Glow and letting it soak all the way down into your soul. Also, some people also do not know the rules of contouring. I’ve seen some women that look like they’ve literally drawn lines across their face. Two on their cheekbones and two going down the sides of their nose. It looks more like Native American ceremonial markings. If you are going to contour, at least let a professional teach you how to do it. And by a professional, I mean watch a YouTube video about it.
- Spider lashes.
If your eyelashes look like spiders, it might be time to do some reevaluating in the mirror. It’s almost like that “I didn’t wash my makeup off the night before” look. Unless you are doing a walk of shame, you have no justifiable reason for spider lashes. Adding tons and tons of mascara is not going to make your lashes longer, it is just going to pile up and make you look like a washed up 47 year old.
- Lipstick on your teeth.
There are some things that will never change about me. One of them is that I will always have lipstick on my teeth. I could not even be wearing lipstick, but it will somehow find a way to mysteriously appear on my teeth. I don’t have buck teeth, so I really don’t understand what’s going on here. I take all the precautionary measures to dispose of excess lipstick. Regardless of whatever I do to make sure I don’t have lipstick on my teeth, some one will annoyingly point out, “You have lipstick on your teeth!” It’s pretty much just a life fail and I’ve learned to embrace the fact that I look like a disheveled mess 97% percent of the time.
- Sneezing after you just put mascara on.
You are all finished with applying your mascara and your eyelashes are looking like Kim K’s. Then you start to feel a slight tingling in your nose and you know the inevitable is about to happen. You sneeze and your still-wet mascara smears all over the bottom of your eyes. You wipe the mascara off, but your eyelashes never look the same. They look bent down and sad. You also look like you’ve been crying, which will cause people to ask you all day long, “Is everything okay?” No, everything is not okay. I sneezed my mascara off into my eyes, but thank you for asking.
- When you apply a huge clump of mascara to your eyeball.
“I know what mascara’s made from… You know that tar that they put on roads? That’s actually mascara,” my best friend, Frankie, responded after I asked her what else I should include on this list. She’s right. Mascara in your eye burns more than staring at the sun for seven hours does. Actually, mascara is the root of all evil the more I think about it.
- Liquid eyeliner getting into your eye.
Have fun seeing black in one of your eyes for 30 minutes. This is God’s way of telling you to go put a T-shirt on and have an ugly day, because you didn’t make the beauty team this time, so try again tomorrow.
- Getting the mascara wand on your nose or the corner of eye.
This is just irritating. It doesn’t really screw up your whole face like some of the other ones, but it definitely warrants seven eye rolls and a loud, “SERIOUSLY!!!!?”
- Putting foundation on before your primer.
I always do this screw up when it is really early in the morning and I am super sleepy. At this point it’s six AM and I’m so tired I can’t even remember the shower that I took five minutes ago. I start to apply my foundation, only to realize the horror of what I’ve just done… No primer. In about two hours, my face will have melted and people will mistake me for a Dali painting.